Chronicle IV | And So Was the First Year

And so was the first year of our relationship… dreamy, perfect, righteous, supportive, and more than I could have ever hoped for or felt deserving of.  We filled that year with wishes of being older and closer to being married.  Like all young pups, we thought we were ready to take on the world together, despite our ages and lack of life experience.

first year bliss

1992 : first year of dating bliss

In an effort to put childish things behind me and move closer to this life I wanted with Chad, I began an independent study program, where I would complete my school assignments at home.  It was the second semester of my junior year in high school.  My days started at 6am, where I would work at a grocery store deli until 3pm.  Then I’d head straight over to Chad’s parent’s house and work on my high school assignments until 9pm or so, side-by-side with Chad in the loft while he did his college homework and created computer programs.

This was a perfect scenario for me because I was never into group learning, I was a social recluse at school, never feeling like I belonged or could relate to my classmates much, and all I ever wanted to do was be with Chad.

So very motivated and focused, I finished my whole Junior and Senior year of high school in one semester.  Then I decided to get what I considered ‘a real job’ and worked as a bank teller while attending community college.

high school graduation

1993 : my awesome glamour shots graduation photo ;-)

93-5-19 journal entryjournal entry on graduation day : 5/19/93

Being with Chad and to immerse myself in his life and his interests was all I ever really wanted to do.  I was 16-years-old and completely smitten by this charming, spiritual, and interesting young man.  If he was coding and creating software, well, then I wanted to learn to code, too!  I wanted to be by his side in everything.  My interests became his interests.

Little did I know then, this would prove to be a disastrous pattern for me later in life, which continued throughout our dating and married years.  It would be a long time before I knew what I was interested in, who I was, and what direction I wanted to take in life, other than blissfully being Mrs. Chad.

Because of my deep laden insecurities, I was very clingy and needy and latched onto Chad in a very unhealthy way.  We had mostly alienated ourselves from the few friends we did have outside of each other.  I felt love-starved and a stranger to this life and the world around me for as long as I can remember.  Chad felt home to me, a safe refuge from an out of control world within and outside of me.  I was able to tell him about all of my childhood traumas that I could never drum up the courage to tell anyone else.  He listened, he loved me, he tried to help me let go.

92-7-27 card

I read that last line, “my prayer is…” and find it a little bit haunting in retrospect.
We sure did help each other learn and grow, 
just in a very different way than I could have imagined then. 

But after that blissful first year of togetherness, three things happened: Katy Kingston, boredom with and jealousy over Chad’s interests, and Aleister Crowley.

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